Its been happening a while (even before call of duty modern warfare) that as soon as it hits 9-ish I am out like a lamp. I remember when I was younger I would stay up until late working on something or playing a video game or watching a movie. Maybe back then I had fewer forms of entertainment. Maybe things were simpler back then; simpler constructs, simpler dimensions, simpler distances, physics. I do not know.
I am chilling in a world of chaos. I am slowly getting over black and white photography but there is still some utility in black+white so I am juggling between the 2 states of colour. Whats next? I think I need to focus on spaces which is hard to do with so much confusion in the world. when I think about whats next I might need to pose some scenes rather than waiting for things to happen. I have been playing with the idea of taking more portraits but portraits require good lighting.
I think I have watched every interesting movie that is on the internet. Lately movies released have are long and boring, trying to be artsy - artsy just wastes time. My time better spent watching older movies but with the numerous streaming services my favourite old movies are locked behind many subscriptions. So what do I do? Watch what I can, avoid mini-series and things with more than 3 seasons. for heaven sake, JUST LET THE STORY END!
I've probably done this before and most likely will do it again. Because, guess what? - you have to do something with your time. You have to move forward in some way, even if you are stuck moving in the past. Misbehaving for days. When you catch yourself in a familiar position you wonder if this is the time you will shift into a better gear. But then I think to myself: what is life without struggle?
I spent a bunch of money on my car this month and will likely spend some more next month. There is on driving a car without maintenance. Everything wants to return to chaos - back to what it knows. Back to that place where it finds comfort. Die a hundred times. There is this little piece of plastic that sits on top of the brake pedal that tells the car that you are depressing the pedal. It is a glorious piece of modern engineering. You would never know it's there until the moment it is not.
Words matter. You have to be wary of people who change words and phrases to match the current moment in time only to forget what was said in the past. Maybe they are crazy? Possibly. People are unique and they fear different things. This fear is both a strength and a weakness. If they can't understand it, how can they escape their self made hell? It is a boring life.
The way content is being consumed on the internet nowadays results in a lot of wasted time. I avoid tv min-series content or things that come in "ready made" seasons because I feel the writers are purposely wasting my time with filler content. I would rather you tell me what happened than I mysql spend my time having the same experience that you had. Save me some time instead of helping me repeat your mistakes.
I remember when the insurance lady tried to sell me life insurance and ask me if I had any illness. Saw her comming from a mile away and I said that I am dying inside and nobody knows it but me. She did not say much to me after that. I am not much for talking about things that I feel have been done before. If you are not helping people or solving problems or making life easier for other people then what are you doing?
We are all victims of circumstance. There are addictions to feed and mouths to pay. I love when there are hurdles to love like you have to do this for me to love you. Or you have to drive a certain car or climb a certain mountain. It is a double edged sword. You are only setting up a failure condition. Anyway busy making money. For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
I have summed it all up or down to "fear". The things we fear are a desease unto themselves. As humans we each fear different things and luckily fear is not a transferable to everyone. You can fool some people some of the times but you cannot fool all the people all the time. It is as simple as that: fear. fear is big business.
These are definitely interesting times we are living in. We seem to be chasing our own tails turning everything into some kind of war of worlds. Ignorance is truly bliss. Many of the world's great problems are still unsolved so what do we do? We create new virtual problems and shift between them when we get bored. Hell is truly "other people". Graceless like a dry leaf in a stream. shifting from side to side rather than refining and developing into something new and better.
Culture cant be measured...well not by any one person. Because individuals are limited or rather trapped by physics (one place at one time, etc). So at least 2 people would need to be on a long enough timeline to see both the start, the end, and then survive with the clearity of mind to deduce that nothing of importance actually transpired.
It has always been true that trying to save people from their own demise has a high chance of turning in to a waste of time. Cameramen in documentaries will wait in the bushes as animals tear each other apart - just to get the perfect PG-13 shot - it is nature. We exist to learn and learning requires experience. You can't grow unless you change but if you change too much you end up in chaos. But then why do anything at all? How is your mental health?
The sun is a bonfire burning a billion miles away and we are sitting at the edge just far enough so that the world does not catch on fire. It often seems too perfect and seeming more and more perfect everyday. Meanwhile everyone is bored with this fact and so we make up stuff to get upset about. Internal wars and paranoia seems to be the order of the day. Fear is our new disease and it seems to have us by the peanuts.
I have always wanted to be fellow on a university campus. I do not want to be constrained by the future or the present trends. I want to see and move about without rigid constraints that are used to keep everything in a box. I want to solve problems. Not simply pick low hanging fruit until I get to clock out at the end of the day. People often place and confine each other in boxes in order bath in ignorance. If you are going to do something do it well or at least get a valiant effort. I want to learn from your ignorance and solve it - even if its only a little bit. I want to make things better.